Bootle Earthquake

A major earthquake measuring 5.8 on the Richter scale has hit Bootle in the early hours of Friday morning

Victims were seen wandering around aimlessly muttering “Fuckin Hell” “Bollocks” and where?s me fags.

The earthquake decimated the area causing approximately ?35.00 worth of damage, and several priceless collections of memento?s from Blackpool, Llandudno, and Tallaca were damaged beyond repair. In addition, three arrears of historic burnt out cars were disturbed.

Many local residents were woken well before their Giro arrived.

The local rag reported that hundreds of residents were confused and bewildered and still trying to come to terms with the fact that something interesting has happened in Bootle.

One resident Tracy our Sharon Smith, a 15 year old mother of three said “It was such a shock that my little Mercedes Chardonnay came running into my bedroom crying and my youngest two Tyler-Connor and Kylie Megan-Morgan slept through it all. I was still shaking when I was watching Trisha on Monday.

Apparently though looting and muggings and car crime wasn’t affected and carried on as normal

The British Red Cross has so far managed to ship in 4000 crates of lager, 1.2 million ciggies to the arrears most stricken. Rescue workers are still searching throughout the rubble and have found large quantities of personal belongings, which include benefit books, jewellery from Elizabeth Duke at Argos and fine bone china from Poundstretcher

How can I help I hear you asking

This appeal is to raise money for food and clothing for those unfortunate to be caught up in this disaster, Clothing is most sought after

Items most needed include

Fila or Burberry baseball caps
Kappa tracksuit tops (his and hers)
Shell suits (female)
White Nike or Reebok socks
Rockport boots and any other items sold in Matalan

Remember! 22p buys a biro for filling in compensation forms
?2.00 buys a bag of chips, crisps and blue fizzy drinks for a family of 6 and just ?5.00 will pay for a packet of Benson and Hedges and a lighter to calm shattered nerves of those affected.

Please do not send tents for shelter as the sight of this posh housing will be unfair on the population of Kirby and Kirkdale.

Oh if only we had a gripe sheet too!

Airlines have a thing called a gripe sheet, its where pilots report niggly little problems about the plane when they land it goes to the engineering departent who then fix it and report back. This is some of the ones from Quantas:

Pilot: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
Service Engineer: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
SE: Suspect you’re right.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
SE: Live bugs on back-order.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
SE: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
SE: That’s what they’re there for.

P: IFF inoperative.
SE: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
SE: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
SE: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
SE: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
SE: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
SE: Took hammer away from midget.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
SE: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
SE: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
SE: Evidence removed.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
SE: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

gay marriages

Well over at Jonathan’s they are celebrating 11 happy years together. Which is sweet. Really heart warming stuff.
In the meantime though religion is striking out and John Howard is making a fool of himself again.
So basically the catholic church (never known for it’s ‘christian’ compassion) is saying that men and women who are in love and want to spend their lives together should be frowned upon. In fact actually more than frowned upon they should be abhorred. Although perversely it seems to be fine for members of their own clergy to abuse children. So how do they justify this stance? Oh that’s right they don’t. With one in three marriages ending in divorce you would think that they would be opening their arms (if not their hearts) to the gay population. Let’s face it religion is going down the pan. Numbers are dwindling and those in power seem to have lost touch with the world whilst they sit in their ivory tower Vatican city.
In the meantime over the other side of the globe Australia’s Prime Minister is referring to marriage as a bedrock institution and has been traditionally seen as between a man and a woman. Well Mr Howard Slavery was once an institution and was commonly between a white man and a black man. It doesn’t mean it should remain that way. People evolve and cultures do to. Discrimination on grounds of colour or race or sexual orientation or sex or ability is wrong. For a man in his position to even attempt to justify discrimination is morally reprehensible.
I’ll end my rant there I think…

“Religion is excellent stuff for keeping common people quiet” – Napoleon