phone calls

okay so everyone makes a few personal calls from work every now and then. Normally though they are short and quiet.
I sit opposite a man who spends most of his day calling compaanies and arguing with poor call centre staff. He doesn’t do it quietly either.
Today he has been on the phone for 30 minutes purely to argue a point about not being able to sign up online even though the advert says so. Now he has signed up but the account is not opened until he deposits money and he can’t do that online so he has called to argue this point.
Those of us sat around him are all now sporting headphones after having given up the will to live listening to his arguments.

Perfect Holiday

It was billed as Perfect Holiday

“Can three travel experts determine your perfect holiday from the contents of your wardrobe? This week Russell Amerasekera, Simon Calder and Jennifer Cox sneak into the Blackpool home of local singer Fiona Teal. After surprising her in Blackpool Tower with the news that she’d been nominated, Fiona’s off on a VIP tour of Hollywood and Las Vegas ending in her fulfilling a lifetime’s ambition. ”


What it turned out ot be was car crash TV, TV so bad you couldn’t help but watch.

So the premise is some poor soul with a hard life is nominated by a friend for a dream holiday. So we ask the person where they want to go? No that would be too simple. We break into their house rifle around when they are not there snoop through their private things with a film crew and generally take the piss out their awful taste.
Then we ignore all the Disney memorabilia and decide to send them to… Las Vegas.

They end up going to Hollywood, Las Vegas and the Grand Canyon. However the campest presenter (Russell Amerasekera) in the world with the worst dress sense ever goes with them – so we are now wondering who’s holiday this really is, the poor person with bad life (plus friend) or the campest presenter ever.
Then we have to put up with Russell saying every ten seconds ‘so I’ve decided to take them here’ or ‘I’ve decided to buy them this’ where what I think he meant was “I’m spending your license fee on taking them here” and “I’m spending your license fee buying them this”.

Then finally after making her recount her awful life story (although the holiday was so she could forget all about it) they get all sickly and make her get up on stage in Las Vegas and sing in front of a thousand strangers. Very relaxing, very dream holiday.

Awful Awful Awful TV.

It made me want to rip up my license fee and send it back to the BBC and sell my TV.

Where did they find that awful presenter and can they send him back immediately please before he becomes popular with the masses. During the show his clothes went from awful to ridiculous, someone buy that man a mirror!

Oh and also the poor northern women 🙂 She says ‘ooh what would your wife think’ – does she have no clue? the campest man in the world is more likely to be a wife bless!

Friday humour!

As a young boy, Joe was obsessed with tractors. He had pictures all over
his bedroom walls, tractor toys, tractor T-shirts, tractor carpet, duvet cover,
the whole works. He ate, drank and slept tractors.
On his 17th birthday he was thrilled to get an invitation to go to a
Tractor factory and test drive a brand new tractor. His excitement was incredible as he told his family and friends.
The great day came and he went to the factory. Unfortunately Something went
wrong with the tractor and it flipped over, breaking his leg. He was so upset and tried to sue the company for negligence. The company would have
none of it and told him there was no liability and he could get lost!
You can imagine he was rather upset with tractors and shed them from his life completely. All the posters came down, the toys were given away! tractors were GONE.

Years later Joe went into a bar. The smoke was terrible and through it he
could see a beautiful girl seated at the bar. Tears were streaming down
her face from all the smoke getting in her eyes. Joe looked around and then
took a huge breath, sucking in all the smoke. He then walked outside and
blew it all out again. He goes back into the bar where the air is now clear
and sweet and sits down next to the girl. “That was amazing!” she said,
“how did you do that?”
“No problem”, said Joe,
“I’m an ex-tractor fan”.

useful work phrases?

1. Ahhh…I see the fuck-up fairy has visited us again…
2. I don’t know what your problem is, but I’ll bet it’s hard to pronounce.
3. How about never? Is never good for you?
4. I see you’ve set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
5. I’m really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.
6. I’ll try being nicer if you’ll try being smarter.
7. I’m out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message…
8. I don’t work here. I’m a consultant.
9. It sounds like English, but I can’t understand a word you’re saying.
10. I can see your point, but I still think you’re full of shit.
11. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
13. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don’t give a damn.
14. I’m already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
16. Thank you. We’re all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
17. The fact that no one understands you doesn’t mean you’re an artist.
18. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
20. I’m not being rude. You’re just insignificant.
21. It’s a thankless job, but I’ve got a lot of Karma to burn off.
22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
23. No, my powers can only be used for good.
24. You sound reasonable… Time to up the medication.
25. Who me? I just wander from room to room
26. My toys! My toys! I can’t do this job without my toys!
27. It might look like I’m doing nothing but at the cellular level I’m really quite busy.
28. At least I have a positive attitude about my destructive habits.
29. Someday, we’ll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject.

Mini Ipods

After much rumour and debate Aplle announced at MacEXPO the launch of iPod mini They know their target market well I feel “Oh, one other minor detail, you can choose your iPod mini in one of five trend-setting colors: silver, gold, green, pink or blue. (All shiny.)”

It’s the last bit in brackets that gets me – everyone I know buys things because they are shiny. London is full of magpies ;o)